


we have not touched the stars

by RippingOffZeppelin



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Character Study, M/M, Pining, Stormpilot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-27
Updated: 2015-12-27
Packaged: 2018-05-09 18:17:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5550500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RippingOffZeppelin/pseuds/RippingOffZeppelin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The thing is it’s been a long time since Poe’s been anything close to soft-</p><p>He still cared, he couldn’t really turn it off, he worried about his crew, about every Resistance member who went off to fight, but he never let it get in the way of too fast, too much, too dangerous until he was taken by The First Order, never let it get in the way before a Storm Trooper, of all people, decided to save his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	we have not touched the stars

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from Snow and Dirty Rain by Richard Siken
> 
> Finn's POV now up: http://archiveofourown.org/works/5602663

The thing is it’s been a long time since Poe’s been anything close to soft.

He’s become rough edges, calloused hands, hard lines. It’s easier that way, easier to have walls up, to not get attached.

-

“The problem Commander” General Organa once told him when he was first starting out “Is that you care”

“I didn’t realise caring was wrong” it was more of a question than anything and she smiled at him then, small and sad, looking impossibly ancient

“It’s not Commander, it’s just messy” he was reminded in that moment of all she’d lost in the war, in the ones before it, all everyone had lost

“I understand” he said even though he didn’t.

It’s been years since that conversation but he thinks he gets it now.

That caring gets in the way of objectives, of missions, it gets in the way of fast and loose and risky. How can you be expected to do whatever it takes when there’s something there to come back to? How can you put yourself in the front line of danger if you have someone who’ll miss you? How could you ever be prepared to not come home?

The problem is that it was never a problem again, he still cared, he couldn’t really turn it off, he worried about his crew, about every Resistance member who went off to fight, but he never let it get in the way of too fast, too much, too dangerous, until he was taken by The First Order. Never let it get in the way before a StormTrooper, of all people, decided to save his life.

Agreeing to pilot the ship wasn’t a mistake, or really much of a choice, since it was between that and facing Kylo Ren for a repeat performance of the kind of mind games no training could ever prepare someone for-

So really his _first_ mistake was calling him Finn.

He was reminded in the moment, when the trooper grinned and shouted to Poe over the sound of gunfire that he liked it, of being six years old, his father, pulling him by his hand away from a stray Lizard Crab that he wanted to keep, telling him not to name it, that he wasn’t allowed to keep it. That it’s the quickest way to get attached to something, to give it a name.

His father did always tell him he was bad at taking advice.

His second mistake was somewhere between not moving fast enough to miss a blast to the engine and crash landing on Jakku. Somewhere around waking up alone, the sky dark and the sand freezing. Somewhere around realising not only was he nowhere near the ship but also nowhere near Finn, Finn who risked everything to pull him out of that place, Finn with the kind eyes and surprisingly good gunner skills, Finn who was probably dead. A nose dive into the desert can tend to do that, if he was still in the ship when it went down, there was no way he got out in time. Finn- ‘the right thing to do’- Trooper, Ex-Trooper. Poe wonders if he even has the right to mourn him.

It takes all night for him to walk somewhere where he can get in contact with headquarters,

“Happy to hear you’re not dead yet” are the first words that greet him over comm

“Happy to not be” are the first words he says back. He gives his coordinates and his status to the soldier on the line and then waits to be taken back to D’Qar, watching the sky for X-Wings and trying not to think about Lizard Crabs-

Ernie was the name he gave to it, he still remembers, because he named it before his father had gotten the chance to tell him not to, and it had hurt more to leave it behind.

The problem, he knows, is he cares and he can’t seem to stop no matter how hard he tries.

He spends time before every mission sitting on the edge of his bed, looking around his room and cataloguing every personal possession he has. He doesn’t remember when he started doing this, somewhere around the fifth time he had to pack up a pilots room after an unsuccessful mission, somewhere around losing another person. He spends time looking at all of his things and thinking about how if he doesn’t come back that’s all that’ll be left of him. A collection of old photos, a basket of clothes, a few weird trinkets picked up from different places across the galaxy- it’d all fit in one box he always thinks, his whole life, just like all those other pilots, all of his friends. He doesn’t even know who’d pack it all up. It never really stops hurting.

The Takodana mission was easier then he thinks it should have been but he doesn't care, thinking of the boxes he won't have to pack, of the crew he didn't lose, every X-Wing that went out touching the ground again, it's easier to breathe when it's like this. He pulls himself out of his X-Wing slowly shaking off the fight with every step down the ladder. He hears BB-8’s loud beeps before he sees it, as it rushes across the air base towards him

“Buddy!” he exclaims kneeling down to straighten its antenna, it beeps happily at him “What happened to you? How’d you get here?” BB-8 beeps at him a frantic burst of what happened

“My coat? What guy?” his head jerks up finding brown eyes across the base, he tells himself the rush of relief he has at seeing Finn alive is the same relief he would have at finding out anyone who helped him hadn’t been lost in the desert forever, tells himself he’s just glad to see BB-8, glad to see Finn somehow helped bring it back, glad to see he didn’t fail his mission after all.

But then the guy smiles.

But then the guy _runs towards him_ \- and its too much in a way he didn’t expect it to be, because there's more than just relief there when he meets Finn halfway, There’s ‘Thank god I didn’t lose you’ there’s ‘I didn’t get a chance to thank you’ there’s ‘I’m so glad I met you’ and the problem is he has no idea what to do with this.

No idea what to do with this Ex-Trooper that in the short time they’d been separated accidentally went and became an important piece in The Resistance’s plan to take on The First Order, who somehow got mixed up with _Han fucking Solo_ and shot high tech TIE fighters out of the air with the rusted blaster of the _Millennium fucking Falcon_.

The problem is he stands there in Poe’s jacket surrounded by members of The Resistance smiling like he can’t believe the universe, can’t believe his luck and looks so much like he’s always belonged there, like he’s always been there, that it tugs at Poe’s heart in a way that hasn’t happened in a long time.

The problem- the real problem- is Finn makes him feel soft again,

and it’s just as messy as The General said it would be, because now he has all these _feelings_ and no idea what to do with them. Finn looks at him with the galaxies reflected in his dark eyes and Poe can feel him smoothing out all of his rough edges. He looks at him like he means _something_ , means more then a good pilot, more then a good solider, a good leader, looks at him like he sees him and all his damage and thinks he’s fantastic regardless.

The real problem is it hurts. Hurts how he can look at Finn and imagine a life beyond what they have now, can imagine a photo tucked in his always empty compass, where his mother used to hide a photo of his father, can imagine being able to say ‘it's too risky’ ‘we have to get out of here’ ‘I have to get back home’- can imagine a home to come back to.

He watches how General Organa’s eyebrows rise when she sees Finn enter the briefing room, sees her gaze linger on the jacket and thinks _shit_.

He feels her eyes on him throughout planning, knows she can’t miss the way he lets small smiles slip every time Finn has a good idea, every time he helps. Finn leaves with Han and Chewbacca off again to save the galaxy, Poe watches him leave and pretends that his heart doesn’t miss a beat when Finn looks back to give him a smile, and when General Organa turns to him he can tell she knows, can see it written on his face. She gives him the same look she did all those years ago when she had warned him not to let it get like this and he gives her a look back that's trying to be an apology and an ‘I tried’ ‘I really didn’t mean to’ all at once, and he knows she understands when she shakes her head at him with a hint of a smile on her face

“You might just fly better like this” she tells him before he leaves “Now that you have something to fight for” and he really doesn’t know what to say to that, so he just nods.

The problem is Finn is all smooth edges

He knows thats probably not true, that Finn has jagged scars and frayed ends from a lifetime of being nothing more then a string of numbers in a white suit, not allowed to be anything more then what they wanted him to be, nothing more then a soldier, a weapon.

So the _real_ problem is that he isn't, despite being given every reason to be, cynical and hateful. He is impossibly kind and caring and heroic despite himself and Poe just can’t seem to get a grip on how someone raised into a world of darkness can emit such _light_.

The problem is Finn, after a life of being taught and moulded and conditioned into being rough, chooses to be soft in a way Poe could never dream to be, and all he wants is a chance to be apart of that light a chance to show Finn he wants to learn to be soft again.

“Fuck Dameron” he whispers to himself “how sentimental”.

The thing is his father always did tell him he was bad at taking advice- and as he watches people crowd around the Falcon he can feel his heart stop beating and he can’t bring himself to move as medics rush Finn through the crowd, shouting at people to make room, Rey chasing closely behind them, she looks terrified, and suddenly he can’t hear anything over the rush of blood in his ears and all he can do is alternate between thinking of the words “It’s not Commander, it’s just messy” and “Oh god please _no_ ”

It takes him a moment to move but then he’s running, shoving people out of the way to try and reach him, he doesn’t realise he’s yelling Finn’s name till Rey turns back to him, he can only imagine how he looks to her, frantic, lost, broken. He sees her brow crease in understanding as she looks at him with pity in her eyes

“He’s going to be ok” she yells over the noises of the crowd before running after the medics again and Poe tries to catch up but he gets caught in the mess of people trying to get to the injured, trying to help, he doesn’t notice the medic droid next to him till it starts speaking

“Commander Dameron sir, you’re bleeding” as soon as it says that Poe can feel pain throbbing at his temple, he lifts a hand to his head and feels the long cut he didn’t even realise was there

“It’s fine” he says wiping the blood on his hand onto his flight uniform

“Sir-“ the droid tries to start

“-Really” Poe interrupts “There are others who need help” The droid beeps at him in irritation before moving off to attend to other Rebels, Poe continues walking the way Finn was rushed off in. He watches through the small window in the door leading to the medical bay as Finn gets hooked to different machines, as they wipe blood off him, people and droids moving around him frantically. ‘Please be ok’ Poe thinks, forehead leaning against the glass ‘I can't lose you again’.

It takes a week of standing outside medical every day and badgering anyone who comes out for them to agree to let him see Finn. Really, he thinks, they just gave up trying to keep him away when one of the medical droids found him asleep on the floor outside the door.

“He’s not meant to have any visitors yet” The droid that took pity on him says leading him to Finn’s bed

“He’s stable but we don’t know when he’s going to wake up” Poe looks at Finn, lying expressionless on the cot, he looks so different like this, Poe already misses his smile, his laugh, how full of life he is, he feels a physical ache run deep in his chest- ‘It’s not Commander, _it’s just messy_ ’.

He spends everyday next to Finn, cramped in an uncomfortable metal chair, with creaking joints and tired eyes, waiting-

The problem is it wasn’t even a question, to wait here for Finn, it was almost an automatic response, to stay by his side.

Poe leans back against the chair, it’s a quiet day in medical, no sounds other then the machines and the occasional medic moving through to check on patients. On days like this he can pretend Finn’s just sleeping, that all he’d have to do is reach out and shake him to see his eyes again, to watch a bright smile slowly form on his face, he closes his eyes and listens to the steady beeping of the machines.

“Poe?” It’s so soft he probably wouldn’t have caught it if it wasn't so quiet, his eyes fly open at the familiar voice, his stunned gaze meeting confused brown eyes

“Have you been waiting for me to wake up?” they’re the first words Finn says to him in a month and Poe doesn’t think he’s ever going to be able to stop smiling

“Yeah” he breathes, grin splitting his face

“How long?” Finn asks trying to sit up, Poe gently puts a hand on his shoulder to keep him lying down, lightly brushing his hand down Finns arm

“Not long”

“A couple minutes or a couple hours?” Poe shrugs

“A couple weeks” A look passes over Finns face then and Poe wonders if it was too much, Finn slowly props himself up onto his elbows not taking his eyes off Poe

“Why?” he asks, searching Poe’s face, and he thinks the ‘I’d wait for you forever’ that instantly comes to mind might be pushing it a bit so he settles on

“Because it’s the right thing to do” which seems to have about the same effect, Finn smiles at him, big and bright, reaching out to take his hand

“Poe Dameron” he says “When did you become such a softie?”

The problem, he thinks, is it's starting to not be a problem, feeling like this, and here holding Finn’s hand, feeling lighter then he has in years he knows it won't be.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I am Stormpilot trash and I am not sorry


End file.
